Reasonable Rhymes

Please Learn to Suck a Trifle Better

(To Circe)

“So like a pig and not quite,

What god can me divine

Why you should gruntle, snort and squeak

And yet not be a swine?"*

Your table manners quite revolt:

You drip saliva in the salt;

You spit and chew and blow your nose,

And lick cold custard off your clothes.

You cut your pork chop on your knee,

Then offer half of it to me;

You drink your neighbour's finger-bowl

And swallow h-hot potatoes wh-whole.

(The custard dribbles down your chins —

We watch the trails to see which wins:

The left one's dribbled down your tie

To join old dribbles long-since dry...)

To clear the earwax from your ear,

You use a carrot lying near;

You burp the table candles out,

And swill your sorbet down with stout.

Then call for trifles with a roar

And suck the stuff up with a straw.

(As this is 'slow' you use your hands,

Your sleeves held up with rubber bands.)

You stir your coffee with your finger

And then insult old Hinkelplinger;

He who asked you here to dine

To be a pearl among the swine...

                                                                                       *Old Carpathian Knitting Song

                                                 1971